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- An elderly couple go to church one Sunday. Halfway through the service, the wife leans over and whispers in her husbands ear, "I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" The husband replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
- Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. He came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that far.
- The Cat in the Hat on aging:
I cannot see, I cannot pee.
I cannot chew, I cannot screw.
Oh, my God, what can I do?
My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks.
No sense of smell, I look like hell.
My mood is bad--can you tell?
My body's drooping, have trouble pooping.
The golden years have come at last.
The golden years can kiss my ass!
- A man decides to have a facelift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a news stand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonald's for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I'm actually 47." Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I'm 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thinks, what the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonald's."
- The local senior citizen care center has begun giving Viagra to the old men each night. It seems it keeps them from rolling out of bed.
- An older lady was lonely and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog. As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, "I'm lonely, too. Buy me, and you won't be sorry." The old lady figured what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me, and you won't be sorry." So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into? The first motel she could find. (She's old, not dead!)
- Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma. Ma said, "What was that for?" Pa said, "For 40 years of bad sex!" Ma said, "Oh," and continued rocking. Then Ma reached over and slapped Pa. Pa said, "What was that for?" Ma said, "For knowing the difference!"
- Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, Mildred took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart was located. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
- An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, but cut each one into four pieces." The doctor said, "That won't do you any good." The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
- A little old lady sat down at the luncheonette counter and ordered a hamburger. The huge, sweaty guy behind the counter bellowed, "One burger!" Then he grabbed a hunk of chopped meat, stuffed it into his bare armpit, pumped his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tossed it onto the grill. The old lady said, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!" The cashier said, "Really? You should be here in the morning when he makes the donuts!"
- A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. The man looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asked. The woman paused and then said, "Unbutton your shirt." The man opened his shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair. The woman said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," as she processed his Social Security application. When he got home, the man excitedly told his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants--you might have qualified for disability, too."
- Mr. Smith, an old man, resided in a nursing home. One day, he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis had died. Nurse Jones, realizing that Mr. Smith was old and somewhat senile, decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied. Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking up and down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, "Mr. Smith, I thought you told me your penis died." "It did," he said. "Today is the viewing."
- A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "50 years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds!" "Well..." his wife snickered, "What do you say ... should we get naked?" The old man nodded, and the two of them took all their clothes off and sat back down at the table. "You know, honey," the old lady whispered breathlessly, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied her husband. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
- A general store owner hired a young female clerk who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day, a young man entered the store, glanced at the clerk, and glanced at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he had a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man said politely. The female clerk nodded and climbed up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which was located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be. Once she descended the ladder, he mused that he really should get two loaves, as he was having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieved the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers noticed what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requested his own loaf of raisin bread, so he could continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seemed to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male patron was asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips, she became tired and irritated and began thinking that she would have to try this bread for herself! Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stopped and fumed, glaring at the men standing below. She noticed an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking it might save her a trip, she yelled at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaked the old man, "But it's startin' to quiver."
- The family wheeled Grandma out onto the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to the left, so again, the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon, she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."
- Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed in the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the men actually joined in. One day, Ethel was speeding down one of the corridors when a door opened and Crazy Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "Stop!" he said in a firm voice, "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Willard popped out in front of her. "Stop!" he said, "Where's your proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. Willard nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Mad Malcolm stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand. "Oh, no!" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"
About the Pruneville.com Comic Strips
Louie and Dot are a married couple in their mid-60s who have recently retired from their jobs in the big city and have moved to Pruneville, a quaint retirement community in East Texas, with their pet cockatiel, Jake.
Louie cracks incredibly corny jokes, is somewhat lazy and harebrained, and often embarrasses Dot and Jake in front of their friends and relatives with his less-than-intelligent comments, questions, and actions.
Dot is spry, witty, personable, and is the foundation of the family. Without her loving guidance and unlimited patience, Louie and Jake would be in big trouble.
Jake is self-centered, impossibly stubborn, and constantly sarcastic.
To read more about the inspiration, history, and people behind the comic strip, visit the About Us section.